there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
