Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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