I hate your face
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It's shark week go big or go home
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
