i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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