I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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