Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Your penis caused this!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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