Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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