I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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