I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
True strength comes from lack of pants
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
