new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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