She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
