"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
