My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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