I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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