Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize