just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Randomize
