Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
