Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize