i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
