i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize