My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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