Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Randomize
