theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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