Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Randomize
