Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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