Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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