I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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