I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
