do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Just puked most of my soul out..
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