So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
