I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
