I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
