I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
