i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Randomize
