I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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