this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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