I just pynch a tree in the face
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
