Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's never too late to be topless.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
