Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
