Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
