What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
