i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
