my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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