You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
