im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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