We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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