I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
