i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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