Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
