I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize