Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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