I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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