i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
