i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
