I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
