I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
