Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize