I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
